Encouraging and cheering on marginalized groups of people to do all the heavy lifting* to dismantle oppression while you sit feeling guilty in all of your privilege isn't loving. Or allyship.
It is the epitome of being complicit in the subjugation of others. And that isn't revolutionary, loving, resistance, or helpful. It doesn't make the world we live in safer, more equal, less hostile, or dismantle bigotry.
"Ally" is a verb.
Those who fall in marginalized groups do not get to shield themselves, take vacations, sabbaticals, put their "out of office" reply, or take respites from oppression.
Thus, your work as an ally shouldn't either. It is consistently using your title as an ally to speak truth to your sphere of influence using your platform, access, privilege, and power so that the marginalized that you say you support don't have to.
You can't retreat into the safety of your privilege when you don't want to engage.
Part of privilege within your identity is that you have the choice to resist or not resist oppression. Retreating to privilege when it's uncomfortable leaves the marginalized fighting for equality again. And that isn't solidarity.
As a man, I must use my privilege to notice the ways in which my patriarchy is harmful to women. I must make sure to stand down when a woman is talking and not speaking over her or her experiences. I must actively make sure not to use language that is rooted in misogyny and make sure that my actions don't diminish the equality of women. I must call out my boys-dad, uncle, sons, colleagues, and guy friends when we talk over women or assume our job is to protect them or know what their best interest is. I must teach my sons to not speak over women but let them speak for themselves and use our privilege to aid the amplification of their voice.
As a man who holds advanced degrees and I must remind myself that formal educational attainment and being in a certain economic class doesn't make me better, worthier, or valuable than someone who didn't attend college. Excellence has nothing to do with the amount of credits someone took or amount of papers they wrote. I must remind myself and those around me that life experiences aid in wisdom and college or any grad school doesn't provide integrity, character, compassion, or instill kindness.
Be mindful that allyship and solidarity isn't expecting those you chose to be an ally with to do your emotional heavy lifting as you figure this out. Tears, figuring out why the world is the way it is, ways that you've been active and/or complicit in oppression, the historical context of America in perpetuating systems of oppression, how your family or friends participate, your guilt around your actions, etc. isn't the concern of those you align your solidarity with. It's yours. And yours alone. You must take responsibility for it and process it without marginalized folks.
The most important (and helpful) thing you can do as an ally is speak to those who share your identity. It sounds different. It's perceived different. And it's less threatening than a marginalized person doing it. Expecting marginalized people to calmly educate you while disregarding the toll it takes on their holistic wellbeing is the penultimate of entitlement.
If you have failed at this, it is your job to apologize, listen to marginalized folks, work to do better moving forward, and establish multiple forms of education and accountability so that you can continue to grow.
"Ally" is a verb.
*Education, intellectual work, challenging relationships, physical/emotional/spiritual toll of oppression, being uncomfortable in spaces, facilitating hard conversations with family, continually speaking truth to power and influence, protesting, calling out inequality (racism, homophobia, islamophobia, transphobia, sexism, bigotry, classism, xenophobia, etc.)